Gold Star

Here I am, attempting to write more because words are our medicine in the world of therapy. They speak those words at us, we are to digest them and then vomit them back out on a page in a way of helping ourselves without anyone being around to give us the gold star. So, here’s me giving myself a gold star.

But I do deserve a gold star. This has been a really hard and confusing year for me. I have been battling against some pretty intense mental storms for quite some time and I am finally starting to figure out tiny ways to navigate them. I’ve also started to allow myself to grow as a person. to find and keep my very own identity than allowing everyone and everything around me to define me instead. I feel like I spend so much time being wishy-washy about how I am feeling or what I want to do in life. when i was a young adult, i let my friends and constant string of boyfriends define what i was doing with the exception of the job i chose. Now, as a mom, its easy to let our children be our final portrait. Thats it. You have kids? everyone including you has assumed your life is just over or all about them. You move as a unit, there is no “I”. Technically as I type I am currently locked at home base while my kids swim and fight with each other. I cant even count how many times i have had to get up to tell them to cool it outside. Its easy to allow it ruin your mood, in fact, I had to remind myself that they are children and this is just parenting at its lowest moments. It would be foolish to go into parenting thinking its always going to be t-ball home run hits and shouts of glory with accomplishments, smiling, prestine children that never defy. If a child wasn’t an asshole, I think we would have a lot more wrong in this world. So no, this asshole unit I am a part of isn’t always awesome and they are definitely the messiest children when we are out, in my personal opinion. But you know what they aren’t? Soulless constant listening to me children. They are so up in my shit that I can’t even think straight so its NECESSARY as their mom to show that i am my own person. That i think for myself. That i fall to pieces, that i physically trip over my feet and figure out what the fuck all the time. Easier typed than done considering i am still a complete mental mess most of the times, but they don’t see that a lot of the times. I cry, i tell them why. I am mad, I tell them why. I don’t make things “fine” like i used to. I don’t wear a constant smile but I do get up every day and try to get through the day with one accomplishment. I started therapy last june and while I dont do it as often as i feel i should, I do the homework borderline religiously and I even took the dive to get some medicinal help along the way. I joined ballet again. I picked up pottery. It goes back and forth between which one i become more obsessed with. I ran a half marathon. It was the loneliest yet most gratifying solo accomplishment of the year. I made myself say no to people more. I expressed myself in full sentences and stuck up for myself when i felt as though I was being wronged. I tried gentle parenting. I still try gentle parenting but also realize you can be gentle and still have a kid that hates you denying their requests. I let anxiety consume me during my most intimate moments and quite possibly destroyed my relationship with my partner a little. I learned better ways to communicate my fears about it, when really all i wanted to do was squeeze my eyes shut and make it go away. It doesn’t. Talking about it was really the only way to help it ease up. It still hangs out, but at least I can address it head on and I am happy that includes a hand to hold ( even when I’m sure he’s totally over me and my issues). I am learning to disconnect without feeling ostrasized for doing so. Im hoping to love exercising and have it not feel like such a chore, so much so that maybe ill do it every now.

So here is a cheers to the gold star I give myself today. I made it. A lot further than I ever thought I would. everyday I wake up happy I chose to hang on for a little while longer.

Moving on up! Soap Edition

A few weeks ago, a news segment was released about my husband and I creating the soap we started selling at local markets.

For those interested it is linked Here. The experience itself was very exciting, nerve wrecking, full of all the what if’s. It’s just a local segment to help boost homemade items but let me tell you…the phone calls,emails, and text messages afterwards were amazing. The idea that the small midnight oil we burn to create these consistent loaves of soap became statewide visible blew my mind. It was a rush for two weeks and now we are back to regulars again. I don’t mind. I still have my day job. 🙂

The garden is in full bloom too. I tried to time the cabbage out to pick at the exact harvest date of 4 months but we really just let it go. They’re all beautiful heads that are nearly all digested in our tummies. We have about 3 left to eat.

Valentine’s Day with the Mesclun and Cabbage

The monster one was picked about March 1st for stirfries and rice bowls that entire week, with the one behind it being a St. Patrick’s day dish. I even added additional rows using the Charles Dowding ‘no dig’ method. I was given a signed copy of his book for Christmas (seems like I’m terrible at updating that I’ve mentioned so many holidays in a row) and just couldn’t wait to try it. My current obsession is getting the two compost beds I made up and steaming for full production as this earth needs proper soil to keep the humans going.

Twisted carrots! March 22 harvest

I’ve been feeling the affects of burnout even heavier, not because I buckled down with the side business and gardening…but mostly the isolation of having hobbies that don’t seem very interesting to others. Covid created more screen time in a way that made me feel like a wild horse attempting to break free for outside. There’s also the frustration of wanting to know and do better for myself but not really having the time or idea to figure it out. Until I do…I’ll just keep investing in the ground and creating more.

Falling into gardening

The soft glow of morning and the gentle but colder breeze of fall that has finally descended upon florida has rustled something within me that wants to spend as much time as I can outside, padding through the front yard barefoot.

I will confess, again, that even though my writing has been drastically sporadic, I have not actually stopped gardening. I’ve been lazy with it, not necessarily weeding or caring about soil in the way that has proved to be way too important in our lives. But that’s hard when you have a toddler with imaginary wings and a seven year old on an attitude high. Let’s also throw in the pandemic that isn’t serious to groups around me but very much real in my family bubble.

Cabbage seedlings venturing on to bigger pastures.

In an effort to sustain the family on a food source as local as possible, we have chosen to try to growing a portion of our diet in our yard. We are by now means great at this, but it’s worth a try to help the world last a little longer in our life time. Searching for a CSA, community-supported agriculture, can be a little tricky for folks just realizing its a thing. Hell, even I know it’s a thing and I’m trying to figure out financially if I can make the upfront leap for it. We have one in the area that I am eyeing, but honestly, I want to not only get a farm share option from them….I’d like to work/volunteer there so I could inevitably be a better person.

Tell me, how’s your fall going?

Kitchen witchin’

I’ve been spending some serious time in the kitchen this maternity leave. My back is on fire and I’m extremely tired a lot but it’s important that I keep myself moving, specifically with something like cooking. Wait wait wait. Let’s back up.

Last post I talked about my discovery that I must start a dairy free lifestyle if I am to pursue breastfeeding. It’s been a week or so. And not a bad!!! It was shockingly easy for me to cut some of the fantasy dairy products from my life. I make a sad face. I move on.

Yesterday I decided to make carrot cake styled muffins just for snacking. We had 6 ginormous carrots from our farm share that either we used right then or they would end up in the chicken coop. I love the chickens but sometimes I feel like they eat better than I. I haven’t been contributing to a farm, changing my entire lifestyle, just to throw food out. Reduce reuse recycle! But let’s get back to the cooking portion of my life.

These muffins are the bomb. Carrot cake doesn’t really have dairy in it anyway, unless you do frosting. Which I didn’t. But I did find this recipe and modified it hoping that I could replicate one from a website that I cannot remember nor find now.

These beauties are the start of a kale-sausage recipe I also found. I found it on godairyfree.org and it was also amazing. I didn’t make enough for the adults of the house I feel like. Either we have large portions normally or I just had too small of acorn squash on my hands. (They were also from the farm.)

Here is the grand finale. Topped with Panko crumbs minus any Parmesan that the recipe initially called for. I was serious about wanting to eat a bunch of them. I refrained, I only ate one half and then we had plenty of leftovers of it to put in eggs in the am. Let’s see how next week goes!

Hi ho the dairy ….oh

I have to admit it, I’m already rocking a lactose intolerance. Growing up, I had to drink a glass of milk every night at dinner and almost always it didnt end well. College was filled with always knowing where a bathroom was, just in case certain food didn’t agree. And my full blown adulthood? I finally figured out I was also overdoing the hell out of sugar. (If you scroll through my posts, I believe I write about the rollercoaster cutting they does.) I don’t really drink milk anymore but there are times when I crave it. When I work out heavily, all I want to do is chug as much milk as I can. I probably need a better vitamin but I’ll work on that later. So when the newest addition to the family requires me to remove dairy from my diet, I thought I could just avoid my late night bowls of cereal and cheese on my occasional sandwich. No.

I find that I have to cautiously check labels on most things residing in our house. I don’t have to cut soy but Jesus, if that is next, I’m going to either get really skinny or just totally healthy. So far I did release myself from the grips of coffee.

This week I will spend some hefty time looking for alternatives for the things I can live without, and a few moments mourning the things I won’t be able to. Friendsgiving was Saturday and I loved going but I know the host was sad I couldn’t eat very much. She shouldn’t have worried about it because the smoked turkey and salad was divine! Plus, I ate almost all the veggie tray…possibly pushed a kid or two away from it so I can have more…. 😉

Anyone have any recipe suggestions? I did find a lovely site – godairyfree.org is a GREAT place to start. I don’t want to go gluten or soy free unless it’s either yummy or convenient (I mean not costing an arm for the ingredients technically.)

Send me recipes!!

Welcome, party of four!

What a month already. I feel like pregnancy was so long and then all the sudden…I had a baby in my arms. And what a baby she is!

Delivery was a great experience. After a water break and a few hours in the hospital, she was here with 5 active labor pushes. Originally, I was told she was measuring a bit small and would be a little under or about 7 pounds. Untrue. This little squish was just under … 9 POUNDS! I was not even the slightest expecting that and you know, it’s probably for the better. The stress of pushing a watermelon through a lemon is already daunting enough, although I do have to say you don’t really see it like that once you’re in the zone. As the doctor handed her over to me to lay on my chest, I couldn’t help but have the biggest surprised smile on my face.

Even after a week I’m still over the moon and in love with having a new baby. I’m overly tired, yes. That’s what comes from now multiple kids in the house. And I just start cloth diapering a bit yesterday/today. And belly button stuff scares me because it looks terrible. Hers seems to have fallen off rubbing on a diaper try as we might. 🤢

Now we just slowly transition over the holiday season into a steady moving family of four. Plus a billion crazy animals.

Swallowing the bitter pill

Growing up I was unusually fascinated with owning a bazooka. I was three, and wanted a bazooka so I could blow cars off the road out of our way. I am by no means from a violent family ( unless you count me being a middle child with lots of siblings) and I don’t even think weapons were something of my life aside from maybe loony toons. As an adult, I metaphorically still have those feelings. I can be a bitter bitter ninny.

But there’s something about the anger and the bitterness I find I associate with my little three year old self that wanted the bazooka. It’s possible at such a young age, I wasn’t able to really understand how to block off absorbing other peoples negative energies. Lately I’m still having that problem. I don’t know if it’s because I’m hugely pregnant and you just don’t have control of your emotions sometimes….sorry to that iPhone my last pregnancy….may you rest in pieces….but I really can’t stand a lot of people’s complaints lately. It’s hurtful and becoming too much. So what should I do?

I’ll tell you what I shouldn’t do. I shouldn’t let it affect me. I have plenty people in my life that I need to take a step back and realize how great they do have it. Sure, it’s not 100% but we have it so well off that we can actually gripe about it. Second, I need people around me to think more about the shoes of the others in the room. My gargantuan size 10’s can really hurt by the end of the day but I can guarantee I go to work and share space with someone that may not be able to make ends meet or even put food on the table every night. So let’s not. Let’s not swallow the bitter pill, giving it the time to ferment in our stomach, and produce stems through our veins causing bitter hate to come spewing from our eyes,ears, mouths. I’m really trying not to.

Maybe I should look in to anger/anxiety management. You know what extra helps that though? Baking chocolate chip cookies. I started baking because I felt I had too much angst in my life. Maybe today is the day to sit down alone, take that breather, and roll out some cookies.

🍪

Purge

I have never seen those movies. I probably won’t ever as well. I wonder if I lose my horror film star card because of it but its not really something that I think is “neat” to contemplate (not that any horror show is but fighting against Freddy has been a continuous nightmare for myself). I would probably spend the year trying not to piss anyone off, building a fortress and then weeping in the closet……oooorrrr I would be the worlds craziest murderer with a machete. No thanks.

That’s not the purge I am talking about today. I’m talking about the ever faithful millennial hype kick that I am currently falling on to the last couple months.

Minimalism.

I said it. Its out there. A good friend and I have been sending each other pictures/texts when we start to get rid of things. She has pro status at this point. I think she officially does live with only a 100 things and 98 of them being her books. (Kidding.) But that’s the thing. I don’t really want to be a minimalist. I just want less stuff….and I don’t want to work SO hard to make my house full of less stuff.

According to Wikipedia,  this is a movement from the 60’s and its just surging its foaming face to the surface again but with a different twist. Minimalism back then was in the arts. The less paint you had on the page the bigger the expression you were going for. So know, the less pens you own in your possession the bigger the person you are for it. Sleep DIRECTLY on the floor! Some of this stuff reminds me of when I just moved to this city. I literally had nothing. My parents bought me a bed, two side tables, and a matching couch and loveseat for a total of $35 from someone they knew. Those items for the most part lasted me for about 10 years or more. I actually have one of the tables still, and everything else was donated to someone else in need as I was upgraded to newer couches someone didn’t need. I’m not sure I want to go back to living like a poor unfortunate soul that just moved here and can’t figure things out.

I’m okay with living like the poor unfortunate soul that still cant figure things out but can at least just keep her house clean.  This leads me to my purge problem.  I can’t just “toss” things away. That’s extremely wasteful for the things that have done nothing but accidently collected dust in my presence. So what do I do? For months I have been posting things in the ‘Buy Nothing’ or Marketplace groups of Facebook. Its been a snails pace to get some of it gone. Now we are down to the things that can’t go on there due to the visibility of marketplace to others on Facebook.  Items are starting to raise questions as to why we are getting rid of them instead of using them for their purpose. Problem being, we loved the thought, but we don’t have the means for the purpose. There’s only so many hours in the day and that said item no longer can fit into a time slot even if I tried.

so now what?

I am open to suggestions. I am also willing to post pictures for those interested in my amazing not to purge my life away race.

 

 

Baking with babies

Ah, summer. The time of year where ice cream starts melting at the touch of the scoop to the bowl. I actually ate an ice cream on Saturday during a visit at Epcot, in which it was melting into the ladies hand who was trying to have me take it. The drips were equally as delicious so no complaints from me!

My daughter has been requesting specific items to be produced in our kitchen and I have been happily obliging.

Yesterday, we chose to use up some blueberries by making scones! She’s old enough now (and skilled enough! 😭) to all but two steps on her own. I just tell her how many of something, example-2 cups of flour, and off she goes. We went over the folding technique and mixing ‘just enough’ in this recipe. Dexterity must be an issue up until gradeschool just showing itself in different mannerisms. I don’t even expect her to be able master putting just a pinch of something in a recipe or to not be overzealous when it comes to pouring. She is still 4! But I love that her being 4 and baking with such gusto is a very real thing in our life.

<<<<< The excitement was palpable. I’m so impressed with the way she was able to just handle this recipe like we’ve been practicing it for years. We have never made it before….

And voila! Not the finale but what a BABE this scone recipe became. I was told by husband it may have needed a few more minutes for crisping. (Win some you lose some.) but other than that it was extremely delish!

-M

M is for Mother

And it’s also for May which is my favorite month. This could be partly because it’s my birthday month but I tend to get a natural high this entire month just from all the colors and sounds of birds outside. We have what is either a mockingjay or bluebird ( did you know those are actual enemies of eachother?) that likes to sing like crazy for hours in the morning during this time of year. I like him/her. Good reminder to live, breathe in the air, go outside.

I’ve been a little zapped lately. There’s been a lot going on in the media that has made me feel useless, as someone who will never amount to anything, someone who can’t evoke a change. I’ve also been having a hard time eating/focusing/staying upright due to what’s been my worst battle of morning sickness. But I think the depression was lingering before the sickness. I woke up Monday wanting to get back to myself and that which helps me feel human. So, to be human I’ve picked up where my crafty self left off. I hemmed pants for someone, I planned a few ideas out on paper, I designed-made a baby doll diaper that is okay, my daughter will love them for her new baby alive. Next after that will be wipes for our own upcoming addition and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll get those doll blanket kits out the door and online for sale.

My biggest hurdle has been that no one wants to buy my stuff. This isn’t the case. My stuff can’t even make it online due to the amount of hands that come towards me to take it already. That’s really nice of my friends, but let’s expand the bubble! Let’s get me working from home full-time!

Soap recipes are a brewing. Time to let husband stir the pot! 🎉